jt_and_leia | Lupin III: Each Other's Home by JT

Each Other's Home (1401 words) by thedarlingone
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Lupin III
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Jigen Daisuke ~ Arsène Lupin III, Ishikawa Goemon XIII & Jigen Daisuke
Characters: Jigen Daisuke, Ishikawa Goemon XIII
Additional Tags: Aromantic, Queerplatonic Relationships, Aromantic Jigen Daisuke, background Arsène Lupin III/Mine Fujiko, Men Crying, Jigen is aromantic allosexual and romance-repulsed but doesn't use those terms, Goemon is non-split-attraction-model and extremely confused but supportive, Alcohol, Platonic Cuddling
Summary:

"I thought it could have been... different, with him," Jigen said slowly.

Jigen and Goemon talk, after Lupin's wedding to Fujiko pre-Part-5.

"I thought it could have been... different, with him," Jigen said slowly.

Goemon just nodded. The bottle of whisky between them on the wide hotel bed was more than half empty. Goemon was still sipping, without much interest, on the first shot glass Jigen had poured him when they got here after leaving Lupin and Fujiko's wedding reception.

There'd been a kind of... pained restraint to Jigen's drinking, all evening. He wasn't tossing back the shots or even showing any kind of urgency. It was as if he was trying to pretend to himself that there was nothing going on, that he didn't have any goal, that he was just enjoying a drink or two with a friend before bed.

A drink or ten, by now, or more. Enough to loosen his all too stubborn tongue -- which Goemon suspected had been the goal all along. It was hard for Jigen to express his emotions, especially the painful ones. He had a habit of forcing it, when they got too much to bear, as if lancing an infected wound.

"You two had something special," Goemon ventured. This was difficult for him as well, but... Jigen had no other support, not now, and he would not leave his brother in arms to suffer alone.

"That's what I thought," Jigen said, his voice ragged, and took another drink.

He was quiet for some time. Goemon waited patiently.

"All my life," Jigen said, fumbling for words. Not like he was too drunk, but like he was trying to express concepts he had no words for. "When I -- when I love people. It doesn't work out. Never. I don't know why." He considered this statement for a moment. "I mean, I know why. I think. I just don't know why."

Goemon let the words sit calmly, not questioning them. Jigen would explain when he was ready, or when he found more words.

"I'm -- there's something wrong with me," Jigen continued simply. His voice was strained, on the very edge of breaking, but he spoke steadily, as if the need to explain himself to Goemon was all that was holding him together. "I'm missing something. I... l-love them with everything that's in me, but it's never enough. There's something I just don't have, can't offer. And other people aren't able to live without it."

Goemon scooted a bit closer on the big bed, careful of the whisky bottle, and wrapped one arm around Jigen's shoulders. He didn't know what to say, but it hurt him to see his friend in such deep distress.

"Lupin... Lupin was different," Jigen said, and a sob escaped him, doubling him over for a brief moment. "I thought he was. He's never asked me for anything I couldn't give him. I thought... I thought maybe..." His voice broke completely.

Goemon sat there quietly, rubbing soothing circles between Jigen's shoulder blades until he was able to speak again.

"He's in love with everything in the world," Jigen managed, still brokenly. "I thought maybe... maybe for someone like that, it -- it wouldn't matter that I could only offer him everything else."

"And for so many years..." Goemon said softly, understanding. For years, even before he met the pair, Jigen had been constantly at Lupin's side. Lupin would run around, distractible, but he always returned to the steadiness of Jigen. To all appearances, they'd been each other's home, unshakable, inseparable.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" Jigen cursed himself, his voice rising to a wail. "I shoulda fucking known. Why--" He gasped in a deep breath, tried to steady himself, failed. "Why can't I ever fucking learn?"

"Learn that you cannot expect happiness?" Goemon asked. "No. You deserve someone who can value what you are." He ruffled Jigen's thick hair gently. "I am sorry that Lupin has failed you."

Jigen made an inarticulate noise of protest at the words.

"He failed you," Goemon repeated firmly. He didn't really understand what Jigen was saying about an incorrect or inadequate form of love -- he'd seen the tenderness and intimacy and unending loyalty that Jigen lavished upon those he cared for, and what more could love be? But Jigen was clearly trying to communicate feelings he'd struggled with after every failed relationship he'd ever had, and Goemon was not willing to shut down that communication. "You're telling me that he chose Fujiko because she can offer him some kind of love that you cannot. But that has meant rejecting all the other types of love, the ones you have given him for as long as you have known him. He has, as you say, many loves -- he could have found a way to accept from each of you what you are able to give."

Jigen shook his head, miserable, huddled in on himself now. His empty shot glass lay discarded by his hand. "It's always like this," he explained, barely managing to form the words. "They can't live without it. It overrides everything else. Nothing I have can compete."

Goemon didn't like to accept that, but Jigen was in no state to hear arguments about it, so he tried a different angle instead. He was not sure it would help, but it was the only other way of thinking about the situation that came to mind.

"If you had sworn your service to your lord," he said slowly, thinking the analogy out as he went. "If a renowned warlord should retire from the battlefield, he could not honorably abandon his warriors to become ronin." He squeezed Jigen's thin shoulders tightly, trying to find the right words. "Especially his... his most trusted retainer. He should have provided something."

Jigen was silent for so long that Goemon feared he had mortally offended him.

"Jigen?" he asked, uncertain.

Jigen reached up and squeezed Goemon's hand where it still rested on his shoulder. "Sorry," he said, his voice thick. "I... I've never... Nobody's ever..." He breathed deeply for a long moment, in and out, obviously trying to stabilize himself. Goemon waited patiently.

"I would have followed him anywhere," Jigen said slowly at last. "You're the only person who's ever... who can imagine a reason I'd do that. Without being, you know. In love with him."

Goemon patted Jigen's shoulder again. He didn't want to force Jigen to find more words than he was able, but he wanted to make sure he understood. "Is that a good thing?" he asked tentatively.

Jigen twisted around and buried his face in Goemon's chest, a convulsive sob escaping him. "It's the... closest I've ever... been to..." he gasped between sobs, "feeling like.... somebody... s-somebody gets it."

Oh. Well, in that case, Goemon was more than proud to contribute. He wrapped Jigen tightly in his arms and let him cry. "I'm glad I can give you this," he murmured.

Now that the dam had broken, Jigen kept crying uncontrollably. Goemon held him close, handed him tissues when he raised his head to look around for them, and slowly scooted them down the bed until they were lying down instead of sitting. He also managed to extract the whisky bottle and shot glasses from the bed, setting them to the side.

Eventually, Jigen cried himself out and lay twitching quietly in Goemon's arms. Goemon hated to disturb him, but other than their shoes and the hat that had tumbled off when Jigen began crying, they were both still fully dressed. Goemon could easily sleep in his own clothes, but Jigen's Western suits were so restrictive.

"Would you be more comfortable with fewer clothes on?" he asked softly.

Jigen seemed to think about it for a moment, then shook his head. "S'nice like this. Snug. Feels... safer."

Goemon held him close for a moment. Jigen needed so, so much time and care to heal emotionally, if even in his sleep he required the feeling of protection and stability that his suits gave him. Goemon wished he could slice Lupin for his thoughtlessness, without breaking Jigen's still-loyal heart even further.

That, however, was not an option. Not now, at least. "I'm going to undress," he said instead. He rolled out of bed, stripped efficiently down to his fundoshi, and climbed back in. "I'm here, Jigen. For as long as you need me."

Jigen promptly wrapped himself around Goemon, clinging to him with a quiet desperation. "Thank you," he whispered.

Goemon nodded and cradled him close, rocking him slightly until they both fell asleep.